


Are You Free?

by Bruhhhhhhhhhh



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Insanity, Mental Anguish, Mental Instability
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-25
Updated: 2019-11-25
Packaged: 2021-02-25 22:33:37
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,815
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21563038
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bruhhhhhhhhhh/pseuds/Bruhhhhhhhhhh
Summary: Endless torments follow him. Yet in the end, he knows there is no one else to blame but himself.
Comments: 1
Kudos: 7





	Are You Free?

He wakes to see the cave again. Dark and cold, a deep chill he can feel in his bones. Something in the cave, possibly his captor, has taken away his magic. He's trapped, with no way out. He cant remember how he got here.

He remembers the fall and the the dark surrounding him. Not long after he saw Thor's anguished face, calling out for him as he fell.

Then he was here. In this cave, left alone with his thoughts. They had never been kind to him, and he knew to expect no different here, all by his lonesome with nothing but time.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The first time he saw her, she took his breath away.

She smiled that kind smile, the one she always wore when she looked to her sons. Loki stared at her, not sure how it was possible she was here but so relieved to see her.

"Hello, my son." She greets.

"Mother." He spoke softly, his voice cracking from disuse and a bundle of emotions he'd rather ignore.

She stares at him, saying nothing more. He feels the tears well up but blinks them away and swallows them down.

"Why are you here, mother?" He questions. She just tilts her head, the look in her eyes betraying the confusion her expression conveys. They both know why she's here. They ignore it.

"Are you happy?" His mother questions.

"No, Mother. I am not." He scoffs bitterly. They both say nothing, and just look at each other. He blinks, and she is gone. Leaving him alone.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The next time he sees her, she is sitting on her favorite chair. The regal image of her clashing oddly with the barren cave surrounding them.

"Why did you leave me?" He begs.

"You no longer wished to see me." Is all she explains.

"That doesn't mean you had to leave." He huffs irately. She says nothing and continues to smile at him, with her special smile.

He fears blinking, worried that she'll leave like she did before. Leaving him alone for another hundred years again. Or maybe it was only a minute? He didn't know anymore. Time runs strangely in this place. Maybe it was just his brain that ran strangely.

"Are you happy?" She asks, interrupting his rambling thoughts.

He narrows his eyes at her, annoyed and confused.

"No, but I would be if you help me out of this place." He tells her.

"You know I would if I could, Loki." She sighs sadly.

"If you cant get me out then how were you able to get in?" He spits angrily. She stares at him, and he knows the answer is somewhere in his head but it's not quite at the forefront. She doesn't answer him, but at least she smiles at him. He loves her smile.

He sighs and hangs his head in exhaustion, and immediately jolts up, remembering her disappearing act last time. He's met with an empty cave, no sign of her or her chair.

He didn't know it was possible but the turmoil in his heart deepens, and he's left alone once more.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

He wakes to see the ceiling of the cave, like he has for the past two hundred years and wonders if this was Hel. He knew he'd never make it to Valhalla, but he had hoped there was somewhere in between for him.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Loki." A voice calls for him.

His gaze fixates on the woman in front of him, he takes a moment to recognize his surroundings, unsure of where his mind had gone.

"Hello, Mother. Are you well?" He greets. She stares at him silently.

"I'm not quite sure. Ask me when the birds fall." She giggles and his eyes narrow at her.

"What do you mean? What birds?" He inquires suspiciously.

"I haven't the faintest idea. What did you mean by that?" She questions right back. He sputters.

"Or maybe you just meant one bird. A hawk perhaps? I wonder what relevance that has though. A hawk failing, failing to do what? Oh wait, it was fall wasn't it? When the hawk falls, what happens?" She rambles on. Again, he knows the answer, he just cant think of it right now. 

"Now you're not making any sense! You were the one who said it!" He claims incredulously.

"Was I?" She accuses innocently.

"Yes?" He speaks softly, unsure of himself.

"You don't seem very sure." She remarks.

"I guess I'm not." He agrees.

"Are you happy?" She asks.

"Why do you ask that?" He ignores her.

"Are you happy?" She repeats.

"Mother, why do you ask me that? You ask that everytime I see you. The answer is always the same. No." He tiredly responds.

"I'm waiting for the day the answer is yes." She explains softly. And then she leaves him again.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Mother?" He calls out into the cave. He hears nothing in response, and she doesn't appear either.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Loki is studying the lines on his hands when he hears a familiar lullaby from his childhood. He sits up and looks at her. Her arms are crossed as if she's carrying a babe, but there's nothing there. She sways from side to side gently as she sings her song and smiles down at her arms. He feels an intense longing, and cries, not bothering to hide or repress his tears. 

"Are you happy?" She asks softly when the lullaby is finished, she doesn't look up.

"Mother, look at me." Loki begs. She makes no move to look at him, just continues to sway ever so slightly.

"Please." No response.

"Please, Mama." They both still, he has not called her that in so, so long. Her arms drop to her sides and he flinches. She looks up at him and smiles, his breath catches.

"Are you happy?" She cocks her head slightly, and waits for his answer.

"No, Mama. No. I miss you." He sobs out, he cant seem to fill his chest with air and his cries sound so ugly and strangled. She steps forward and crouches down in front of him, close enough to touch if he would just reach out. 

"Im right here, my love. Im here." She comforts him.

"But you're not. You're not." He sobs, he reaches out and right as he is about to touch her, she's gone.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

She returns after thousands of years, still smiling that damn smile. He has been alone for so long.

"Im glad to see you. Its been-" He cuts himself off. After a deep breath and a couple moments of silence, he continues.

"It's been a long time since I've seen that smile directed at me. A long time since I've seen you." He explains.

"I've missed you too, my dear boy." Frigga says.

"I miss the old times, when you were content and happy. I miss simply being in your presence. It saddens me to see the pain in your eyes-" She stops herself.

"You know I never understood that saying, 'I can see it in your eyes'. How could one possibly see emotion in an eye. You cant really, but its written all over your face. The way the skin around your eyes is smooth, no crinkles from your smile. The way the bags under your eyes are so apparent, from the exhaustion, both physical and mental. The way your mouth has no curl, there's no hidden smirk or any remnant of amusement at all. But it really is all in your eyes, there's just nothing there. A dead, tired, blank look. It truly breaks my heart, little one." She finishes with a frown.

Loki looks at her, not knowing what to say. So he stays quiet and studies her. She's wearing her favorite green dress, the one she always wears on special occasions - usually his birthday - and the jewel pins he gifted her after his his visit to Alfheim. She has always loved their trinkets.

He hair is down in her messy curls, the pins the only thing decorating her. She's stunning in the purest way, the only good thing in the universe. Oh, she had been lovely.

"Mother, I'm sorry." Loki apologizes, the words flowing before he even knows why. She stares at him with that smile again.

"Whatever for, my Loki." She questions heavily.

"For not being there. For not protecting you when you died." He chokes out.

"A parents job is to protect their child, not the other way around Loki." She admonishes gently. He slams his head against the rock wall and let's the tears slip out his closed eyes.

"If I was there, If I hadn't left you then you'd still be alive." He rationalizes.

"Perhaps. But don't waste time on possibilities." She reminds him.

"Are you happy?" She asks.

"No! You're dead, I'm stuck wherever I am, and I can't think! Everytime I remember something, it doesn't make any sense! You're here but you're dead? That's not possible, and why do I think you're dead? I don't know how you died or where or when, but I know it happened. And the birds! The hawk, there was a battle and I-" he pauses, "I did something bad to the hawkeye man so I could survive. I don't know what else I did, but a lot of people were hurt. A lot. And there was a powerful being, looking for something even more powerful. And I remember but I don't! Help me understand, Mother. Please!" Loki pleads, confused and overwhelmed.

"You know the truth, you need to allow yourself to remember." Frigga says simply.

"Its all up to you, you have all the power here. This cave is all your doing, your missing magic, me. It's all up to you, you get to decide what to do next. You can waste away here, trapped in your own mind, your own insanity. Or you can piece yourself together and continue on with your life. Neither of us know what is to come if you should choose to survive, but it will likely be better than wasting away as a husk of your former self." She explains.

"Will I see you again? If I choose to leave this cave?" He asks meekly, knowing the answer.

"You already know the answer to that. You have your memories of me, that is enough. I must ask you, I know you are not happy, but are you free?" She intently waits for his response.

"I think I will be eventually, Mother. One way or another." He admits, and she smiles.

"I love you, my son." She says, and then she's gone.

Loki stares at the place she once stood, heartbroken at what he has known deep down all along. She was never real, his mother was dead and not coming back.

With his mother gone and the reality of the atrocities he had committed, was it worth it to continue on? 


End file.
